


Black Valentine

by RealityShowJunky



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Break Up, F/M, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Make Up, a little ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 02:49:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17840981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealityShowJunky/pseuds/RealityShowJunky
Summary: Remus and Sirius like to break up to make up. Lily and James just wish they wouldn't do it so loudly.





	Black Valentine

**Author's Note:**

> Through witchcraft and witchcraft alone, Lily and Remus can afford to rent a cute cottage-style house in the Hollywood Hills on teachers' salaries. Through capitalism and trust funds, James and Sirius share a 10,000 dollar a month loft with floor to ceiling windows in Downtown LA.
> 
> The title is a play on the movie Blue Valentine, which is about a couple struggling with their marriage. It's a beautiful movie and I highly recommend it. That being said, this fic is not based on the movie in any way, shape or form. But I think the title is fitting.
> 
> Also, this was supposed to be posted on Valentine's day. Oops!

"We’ve had so much break-up sex that we’re back together now."

-Overhead LA on Instagram

 

“Sirius is outside.”

 

Remus peeked out the kitchen window to confirm. He smiled. “Turn the sprinklers on.”

 

With a jaunty pivot, Lily went to do just that. She never liked Sirius much.

 

Remus returned his gaze to the window. Unfortunately for him, at the exact moment the sprinklers burst to life, he realized his target was nowhere to be seen. The Harley was still there, perfectly in range of the droplets, which Remus found conciliatory. Still, he wanted to see how well Sirius’ Levi’s leather jacket would fair in a bit of rain.

 

A noise clanged from Remus’ bedroom. He narrowed his eyes.

 

When he entered said bedroom, Sirius was standing inside amongst the mess he’d made of Remus’ nightstand. Upon spotting Remus, he asked, “Really? Again with the sprinklers?”

 

Remus shrugged. “Even Lily won’t let a stray dog in before it’s had a bath.”

 

Sirius clenched his jaw and Remus glared at him.

 

The staring contest lasted for a solid minute before Remus caved. He just couldn’t keep up eye-contact when Sirius’ eyes stirred so many feelings inside him. They were basically grey _._ The color of a fucking alien. Or a slug. Majorly unsettling.  “What are you even doing here?” Remus demanded.

 

Sirius squared his shoulders and huffed, “You blocked me before I could finish my point.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah. I didn’t get to tell you that you’re a pretentious pseudo-intellectual with a stick up his ass.”

 

“I haven’t had a stick up my ass since we broke up,” Remus spat.

 

Sirius’ gasped. “How dare you!”

 

“How dare _you_ make fun of my cooking!”

 

“You served me chicken you cooked in the microwave!”

 

“ _The microwave has a button that says chicken!”_ Remus yelled.

 

“You almost gave me food poisoning!”

 

“I _gave_ you a home cooked meal that I slaved over-”

 

“Couldn’t have slaved over it that long since you cooked it in _the fucking microwave_!”

 

Remus rolled his eyes but still felt warmth tinge his cheeks.

 

Sirius took a step forward. “Take back that stick joke.”

 

Remus bared his teeth. “Make me.”

 

\---

 

Lily scowled at Conventionally Attractive Brunette in the Lifetime movie she was watching. Conventionally Attractive Brunette was annoying and stupid. She deserved to get stalked and then framed for Nosy Best Friend’s murder.

 

_“Harder, Sirius! Harder!”_

 

She raised the volume. Conventionally-Attractive-Brunette wasn’t so bad.

 

_“Come on baby, come on baby, come on baby...”_

 

She stood up from the couch and grabbed her car keys. Pulling out her phone, she stabbed out a text.

 

 **Lily Evans:** Your mutt’s defiling my roommate again.

 

Not twenty seconds later, a reply came.

 

 **James Potter:** Turn the hose on him

 

 **Lily Evans:** Tried that already.

 

 **James Potter:** Shock collar!!!

 

Lily hummed. That might just work. 

 

* * *

 

As Sirius took the elevator up to his and James’ apartment, he contemplated the ways he could kill Caradoc Dearborn without getting caught. So far, the most appealing option was killing Dearborn however he wanted and then pinning it on his cousin Bellatrix.

 

Finalizing this plan, he barged into the apartment. “Where’s the bastard?” he asked even though his eyes zeroed in on Remus the second he kicked the front door open.

 

“What do you want now, you cretin?” Remus asked.

 

Sirius focused on the mug in Remus’ hand. Sirius’ _favorite_ mug. “Bastard,” he repeated.

 

“Shut up, you inbred sociopath.”

 

From her place on the loveseat, Lily leaned over to James to whisper, “He came up with that one last night.”

 

Sirius stormed over to Remus to snatch the mug from his hands. He pointed it at Remus with the intensity of a master swordsman. “Did you really think you could go on a date and I wouldn’t find out?”

 

Remus rose to his feet. “Hmmm. I don’t know, Sirius. Did you really think _you_ could go on a date and I wouldn’t find out?”

 

“My date was a family obligation date. _Your_ date was a date date!”

 

“Well, you could have told me that!” Remus huffed.

 

“How could I? You blocked me on literally everything.”

 

“My gmail is open,” Remus argued.

 

Sirius pointed his mug at Remus again, this time sloshing its contents onto the rug. “I’m going to kill Dearborn,” Sirius growled.

 

“Yeah, that’s gonna stain.” James muttered.

 

“Dearborn or the rug?” Lily asked.

 

Remus shot Lily and James a fierce glare before reaching out to grab Sirius by the arm.

 

“What are you doing?” Sirius demanded, though he leaned into the touch.

 

Remus let out a breath that his third-grade class would have recognized as the Mr.Moony-didn’t-have-his-coffee-this-morning sigh. “Can we please talk about this in private?”

 

“Wait-” James stood to his feet.

 

“Please don’t-” Lily said at the exact same moment in the exact same tone of dread.

 

But they were too late. Remus led Sirius (who suddenly had quite the pep in his step) into the bedroom and shut the door with one final horrible sickening thud.

 

\---

 

_Thump._

 

Lily cleared her throat. “Is that the-”

 

“Headboard? Yeah.”

 

_Thump._

 

James stared firmly at the carpet. “Do you want to go out for pizza?”

 

Lily pondered the question for a moment. “If I do will you consider it a date?”

 

“Obviously.”

 

“Then no.”

 

_THUMP. THUMP. THUMP._

 

Lily pursed her lips. “If it’s a date, you’re paying.”

 

James nodded eagerly. “Let’s hurry before the neighbors come to complain again.”

 

* * *

  

The scent of roasting lemon chicken and rosemary-coated vegetables permeated Lily and Remus’ small house with the feeling of home on a Sunday afternoon. Johnny Cash, who was singing out through Lily’s second-hand record player, only strengthened this feeling. And the colorful flower arrangements Lily made from the bouquet James brought her on Valentine’s day were the cherries on top of the Pinterest-perfect image.

 

“Um… so, this is nice,” James said, lying.

 

Sirius grunted. “I don’t know why you had to drag _me_ here.”

 

James slammed down his water glass. “ _Drag you here?_ You literally sat on the hood of my car until I let you come.”

 

“I just think it’s funny,” Remus interjected, “that you’ll eat _Lily’s_ chicken.”

 

“Would it have killed you to play along, Prongs?” Sirius said through clenched teeth.

 

“ _I_ just think it’s funny,” Lily growled at Remus, “that when you found out Sirius was coming tonight you canceled your plans and changed your underwear.”

 

Sirius perked up. “What underwear did you change into? Wait,” he squinted suspiciously at Remus, “What plans did you have? With who? If it was Dearborn I swear to God...”

 

James groaned, “Oh for fuck's sake.”

 

“None of your fucking business,” Remus replied to Sirius, taking a gulp of the very expensive wine the liquor salesman promised James was perfect for a romantic dinner for two.

 

“He was going to meet with his Agatha Christie book club,” Lily told Sirius.

 

Remus mouthed “bitch” to Lily.

 

Lily mouthed “fuck you” to Remus.

 

“Speaking of which,” Sirius began, “you still have my copy of _Moby Dick_ and I want it back.”

 

“I don’t have your _Moby Dick_.”

 

“I know for a fact that you have my _Moby Dick_ ,” Sirius said, pointing his salad fork at Remus in accusation. “I’m going to go look.” And he rose to his feet and stomped to Remus’ bedroom.

 

“Hey!” Remus exclaimed, jumping to his own feet to follow. “I do not have your _Moby Dick!"_

 

James and Lily locked eyes.

 

And then James all but flew to the coat stand for his jacket. In a whisper-yell, he ordered, “Hurry, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”

 

“Okay, okay,” Lily muttered, feeling the adrenaline pumping through her veins. “Fuck! My purse!” She pointed to her room at the end of the hall. She would have had to pass Remus’ open door to reach it.

 

“Leave it!” James whisper-yelled. “We’ll get a new one once we make it to the Mexican border.”

 

Forty-five seconds later, in the safe confines of two tons of steel and aluminum, Lily hummed thoughtfully. “Why don’t we just go to In-N-Out?”

 

James nodded. That was good too.

 

\---

 

“Whoa, where’d they go?” Sirius asked, clutching a now-ripped poster of _Vertigo_ above his head.

 

Remus, who was clawing at Sirius to reclaim the poster, stopped and frowned. After searching in all the usual places, he huffed, “I think they left. Wow. That’s kind of rude.”

 

“I know, right?” Sirius remarked. “I mean, here we thought we were having a nice dinner with our best friends-” Sirius was interrupted by the pinging of the oven. “Oh! Yum, the chicken’s ready- I mean- um… it smells overcooked.”

 

Remus rolled his eyes but still made his way into the kitchen to serve them each a plate. As they ate Lily’s (perfectly cooked) chicken and then washed it down with the chocolate mousse James brought for dessert, they sat on the couch and watched _Seduced By My Neighbor_ on Lifetime.

 

“The stalker has a stalker in this one,” Sirius remarked.

 

Remus nodded his head and- with the awe he normally reserved for Agatha Christie- said, “Revolutionary.”

 

Sirius asked, “Hey, Moony?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can we please get back together?”

 

Remus let out a sigh of relief and moved to straddle Sirius’ lap. “I thought you’d never ask.”

**Author's Note:**

> The Chicken Incident is based on that episode of Flavor of Love where Hottie cooked Flavor Flav chicken in the microwave.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
